I am beginning to surrender, yes I know, some would say about time, but there just seem to be so many things in practice as in life that are out of my control and however much I want to influence their outcome I can’t . But they do say things happen for a reason.
When I came back from Sri Lanka at the beginning of the year my practice seemed to be really moving on, binding Pasasana at AshtangaLanka, standing up from the bolster in backbends, I really thought it was starting to happen. I had worked hard and I suppose to a point I thought I deserved all the little successes. I had the year planned out, Mysore in June, after the company moved, going there with a decent practice.
Then suddenly 20th January, life hit the pause button. There followed the horrible 10 days in Hospital, followed by nearly 4 months of trying to recover my strength and energy. I never thought it would take so long, in the mean time the company move date got put back again and I discovered that the Shala in Mysore wasn’t going to be open for my originally planned dates. Practice was doing what I could, accepting where it was, trying not to force it along, however frustrating it was.One of my Teachers made the comment that she thought my illness was in part caused by my working so hard at my practice, I had depleted my body of what it needed to fight off what really should have been a routine infection.
Finally the move date was confirmed for July, but Mysore wasn’t open again until October. I decided rather than leave to stick it out, keep doing my practice until I could confirm everything. Practice seemed to be happening again, then the Garbha incident, oh shit my knee is still all this time later not able to do Mari D on the first side, I havn’t tried Garbha since. Instead of striving once again I had to just surrender to what my body could do, not what I wanted it to do.
Since the lurgy of 2 weeks ago my body is still recovering, since January any cough or IBS or anything else seems to have taken far longer to heal than in the past, practice over the last couple of weeks has been sporadic, a few times Surya Namaskar has been it, at the Shala I have done it all, put paid for it in the days after.
I suppose this proves I’m learning, finding awareness, finding acceptance, holding my hands up to practice and to life, giving up on being able to influence outcomes.
At least this Friday it didn’t take 2 hours to get home. I have struggled with my backbends lately, mainly because I’m so tired when I get to them, so tonight I decided to get off the Ashtanga wheel and play for an hour. This turned into 2 hours of standing with added Eileen vinyasa poses for fun and some forbidden second series to open my back up, then the full range of UD against the wall, on the mat, walking in, rocking etc, nice to be able to do backbends without feeling like I was going to collapse.
I won’t say I don’t care about standing up, but it’s got to the point that I don’t think it will ever happen,maybe next lifetime as Kino is want to say. I do all the things to try and make it happen, even though I know it won’t. But was it precisely because I wasn’t striving or pushing that I managed to drop back on to my bolster on top of just one block, rock a couple of times and stand up, does giving up make the seemingly impossible, possible?