Disconnected in dissilusionment

I practised for all the wrong reasons tonight, if you can call what I did practice, the standing postures and some not very good backbends. I had actually intended to make this my day off, but to be honest I was bored and just started to do some Surya’s for something to do.

During the poses my mind seemed to keep up this running commentary, I am beginning to realise with having an ever more depressing work environment and nothing much to come home to, that I am actually only opening my eyes each morning so that I can at least look forward to closing them again and hopefully doing practice if I can find the energy and motivation.

All the things that used to fill my non working time in years past no longer seem to have any interest or relevance in 2009. I used to be a football fanatic, I used to go to games, then read and inwardly digest what was said and written about the game. Nowadays although I still watch the odd game on TV, I could not really care less, the wages the players are paid are so out of proportion to the guy in the stands, not to mention the incredible amounts clubs in England charge to get in. When I was a fan, it was affordable to go and the players though earning good money compared to me, were not overly paid. Many of the players from back then left football to take up the same crap jobs as the rest of us. I know of one player who now drives a forlift in a chicken processing factory.

I used to watch TV, there were often good quality documentary’s, some good drama and entertainment. Now its just reality shows, crap quizzes and soap operas. ITV news tonight although billed as 30 minutes, only actually was on 24 minutes and they had an advert break halfway as well. So I no longer watch TV.

I used to read, books and newspapers, but there have been few books of late that have inspired me to read them and as for news I feel less and less connection with what’s going on. Whoever is in government does nothing for me, as a single person claiming no benefits and only getting my bin emptied for my taxes I am beginning to wonder why I bother working at all.

I also realised at lunchtime that I eat for the sake of something to do, not because I am hungry. I looked at my sandwiches and thought I just dont want it, the ducks enjoyed them though. The wheat problem is a major restriction and is part of my apathy towards food and probably quite a lot to do with the weight I have lost in the last year or so. Some days I realise I havn’t eaten, but don’t actually fancy anything and just think I’ll have something tomorrow. wheat free tedium has set in, its a worry, don’t tell my mother..

The weeks just go by, those hours at the shala at the weekend are truly what is keeping me going, though someone has asked me to give a lecture in April 2010, so they obviously have confidence that I will still be around.

So here I am at 8.45 on a Wednesday night wondering whether I really want to press the publish button after spewing out my thoughts.

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7 Responses to “Disconnected in dissilusionment”

  1. V Says:

    It will get better. Really, it will!!!! This is a tough time of the year, this winter seems to have been going on forever and everyone is feeling glum.
    Hugs.

  2. susananda Says:

    Oh well, it’s good to spew it all out once in a while… I can totally relate and feel somewhat similar myself… and practice isn’t helping. Vanessa’s right, roll on springtime…!

    Remember not every day feels so bleak. Hope today is a better one. More hugs.

  3. AC Says:

    Hey, I know the feeling. They say it’s the most depressing wk of the year.

    One day at a time, it’s gonna be ok………..

  4. WellWisher Says:

    Hey, it’s January, I don’t want to belittle how you are feeling but I know that a lot of people are feeling the same right now. Try to be positive and soon you will start feeling a little joy again.

    You say you are not feeling inspired to read books at the moment, but why don’t you have a look round the bookshop to see if there is anything that could help give you some comfort when you are feeling so crap?

  5. globie Says:

    Thanks for the words of support guys.

    Work is the problem, its been abysmal so far today and that drags me down so much I don’t have the motivation for anything else when its over.

    Roll on spring, though I cant see the work situation improving much by then. I just hope the trains have improved so I can get those precious hours at one shala or another.

  6. Alfia Says:

    Hi, Kevin:

    Not loving your work sucks and can affect all the other areas of your life.
    Is there a chance for you to find something else? Like in the States, for example? 😉
    I worked in a lab once where I hated the boss. He was forgetful and angry. Once he yelled at me so hard, he was actually stomping his feet in rage. That time was one of the most depressing times of my life and nothing felt good – family, books, movies – everything was just grey in color. I left and found a place where people were so nice that I have not witnessed a single conflict in seven years I spent there. My outlook changed immediately and depression just disappeared.
    I hope things work out for you. You seem to be such a lovely person, you really deserve a much better work than what you have now. Wish you luck!

  7. globie Says:

    Thanks Alfia,

    the people I work with are in general very nice, we all feel like we are in the same boat, its those higher up and in particular the owners who are the problem. Since the explosion 3 years ago, local unemployment has gone up from zero to 30% and is getting worse now with the economy and the pound going down the pan. I would love to escape, but our company was the only one hiring in the local paper this week. They treat us like they know they have us trapped, we are in a safe job, its really difficult.

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