I’m still here, mainly thanks to those who took the time to comment, e-mail or text me over the last week, it was a very dark place. So Thank you all.
I still don’t know what the answer to all this is, but I remain more convinced than ever that yoga is part of the solution and not the problem, though perhaps its prominence in my life needs to be tempered by something else. I need my practice even more at times like this, but its mentally even harder to do that first Surya A, let alone what follows when all you want to do is give up and sleep.
Eventually a tiny eeny weeny chink of light appears, I’m sure it was something someone said, a trigger that I am the only one who can help me climb out of this hole. Practice resumed with a session along to Kino’s dvd, its fast pace made it easier to be absorbed in the practice, it stopped the mind being able to go off doing its own thing. It was what I needed, someone telling me what to do, making me concentrate fully to the point that I picked up on a comment she makes about rotation in the hip during Janusirsasana A. Eventually it has to be self driven and Friday nights practice was a standing and other stuff.Practice on Saturday’s has been rare the last month or so, but I got home from shopping , the house was quiet and I just decided to practice, it was sloooow, two and half hours nearly, no faffing, well not much, but ended with a load of backbends and some dropbacks, though my wrist wasn’t as appreciative as my mind was.
So last Sunday all seemed wrong, not to mention pointless and was the catalyst for the dark depressive spiral that almost made me take my mats into the garden and put a match to them. The last week has made me think about why I get up and slog into the city to practice at the Shala, the heat, shared energy and wonderful vibe, I accept I do not have right to adjustment, but I do need teaching, practising home alone all the time it’s all too easy to develop habits and ways of doing postures which are not only wrong but could be a recipe for future injuries. Injuries seem to have been part of this year and the frustrations they have brought have definitley not helped, a feeling that my practice has been held back by them.
So practice today with Jen to my right and Susan to my left, comfort in friends, a big smile from J as I put my mat down, a feeling of being back in my space in a mental sense, starting again, forget last week, practice for now in this time in this place. A hot very sweaty practice, with a teachers tweek here and there and deep squishings in Mari A and Baddha Konasana. Much stronger Urdva Dhanurasanas before doing a dropback in this Shala on my own for the first time since April, it wasn’t a great landing, I have lost the knack of aiming my hands, its still about just getting down safely. C then appeared in front of me for the cross arm thing and one assisted dropback, she let go early as she brought me back up, but somehow I managed to engage whatever it is and continued to rise and not fall back, I got to the top to see her beaming grin, now I feel like my teacher is back.
This afternoon has been fun, yogis picnic in the park, met people I havn’t seen in quite a while and played Frisbee and Rounders for the first time probably since I left school. If last Sunday was a one, this Sunday was ten.I Just hope Eeyore’s cloud is leaving my head.