Eyore’s cloud

How apt

It almost all got to much on Monday, the depressive spiral of work, home, still not feeing 100%, nothing to look forward to, drifting along in a pointless existence of not wanting to wake up on Tuesday and being pissed off at a God who I don’t believe in on Tuesday morning when I did wake up and realised another day at the abys was about to begin.

I usually find refuge and solace in my practice, but after an OK practice on Monday, the 4th in a row on Tuesday when I was feeling so low and still do, was a practice too far. Never the less I managed to get all the way through, despite feeling shattered at Mari B I ploughed on when perhaps it would have been more sensible to stop. The crunch literally came in closing. Urdva Dhanurasana was awful, I barely had the strength to push up. I decided for some reason that dropping back would be easier and managed to crash on my head! Though being in UD did feel easier despite the stars before my eyes.But that was 4 full practices in a row, first time since early January I have tried to do that.

I abandoned practice last night after a few Surya A’s, no energy and my mind was not in the right frame. The Eyore cloud seems to be visiting me a lot this year, when I’m this low I can’t be bothered to eat, I go through the motions at work and really I just want to sleep and not wake up. Someone suggested booking a holiday, having something to look forward to, but to be honest it’s not the answer in the long term, the 4 weeks each year that I travel, usually to do practice are not the problem, its dealing with the other 48 weeks, when I have a job I hate, but is too convenient, a home life that is stressfull and only intermittent access to a Shala practice. The spiral worries me, it seems bottomless, no sign of the trampoline to bounce me back into the light. Mysore at the end of the year is still both the plan and the hope, but god knows if it will happen the way things are. If I could stop the world and get off I would.

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14 Responses to “Eyore’s cloud”

  1. donutszenmom Says:

    Hi Kevin. You know, physical events can cause depression, and that might be worth looking into. Those feelings of hopelessness can be addressed. I really hate to hear you sound so low! Karen

  2. globie Says:

    Hi Karen,

    The year seemed to start so well, but since the events of mid January its just been a steady decline, mentally as well as physically. I am just relieved to get through each day, but no sign of the hopelessness disipating, or feeling like waking up tomorrow will be worth the effort. This Sunday train strike business is grinding me down, not being able to get to the Shala to practice and see everyone, that seemed to make the other days possible, but without even those few hours of sunshine I cant see much point.

  3. Loo Says:

    Dear British Eyore, you are not alone. I seem to have become the West Coast Eyore. You’ve had a rough go of it, for sure. But that doesn’t help these heavy blues, I know. I like to think of it as bad weather. That it is to be gotten through until the storm passes and not invested in too heavily (ie: this must be the ‘new me’ kind of thinking, to which I am prone). Take heart, there are other Eyores out there and we are full of sympathy.

    xo Loo, the California Eyore

  4. Globie Says:

    Thanks Loo
    Sorry to hear Eyore’s cloud is over you too. It’s a heavy cloud that I hope lifts of the both of us soon. It seems to take longer to go than to arrive.
    xx British Eyore

  5. Ragdoll Says:

    This is horrible to read, I’m really sorry you feel this way. Remember that this isn’t ‘as good as it gets’, and it is possible to enjoy life so much more than you are doing right now. And not just on holidays and special events.

    When’s your next medical appointment? Would that be a good time to talk about this, and see if you can get some support? New mums have an automatic right to a post-birth counselling session on the NHS, I don’t know if there’s anything similar for low moods post-surgery.

    The ‘stop the world’ feeling is quite an alarm bell. Have you ever had counselling or therapy? How do you feel about it? These can be rhetorical questions if you like! My initial response to your post was (after my heart going out to you, and as someone who’s been pretty heavily therapied in my time!) ‘OK, what are you going to do about it?’. There are two ways of helping yourself to feel better – change the world, or change the way you respond to it. Or, even better, both.

    • globie Says:

      Hi R,
      I am beginning to wonder if writing my feelings in a public place was a good choice, but it’s out there now so it may as well stay. Medical appointments are finished, GP didn’t want to see me again after the blood test results. The world never seems to leave me space, hence my wish to hide in sleep or stop the world & get off. Practice has usually been that space I need but since the surgery even that hasn’t been the refuge, so I’m in the cul de sac.
      Sent you a email

  6. StEvE Says:

    Hi Eyore,

    I was never Eyore. I used to think of myself as ‘Droopy’, the manic dog. I got Droopy too often, so I LISTed what I wanted to change, and changed them one at a time and a whole new life came out of it. It doesn’t happen overnight, it took me 5 years, 2 pontificating and 3 being pro-active. Some of the steps were massive, and hence caused droopiness within droopiness but I soldiered on. That’s the whole point of having an incremental strategy right? It’s not about short term highs, like holidays etc., it’s about ‘change’ and managing change facilitates the positives of change. I guess there are many parallels with the practice. In fact, I often wondered if the practice gave me the internal strength required to change what I did, but one thing’s for sure, Droopy is just a cartoon character that makes me roar now, I don’t have to live it anymore.

    So make the list, and ask yourself what you need to do to start ticking the boxes.

    • globie Says:

      Hi Steve
      I like the idea, but I need to work out what I want to start with. Like many I suspect, I left school with an idea of what I wanted to do that never came to pass and fell into the things I ended up doing. Yoga was an accident, but I am 100% certain that without it I would not be on this planet still.

  7. ragdoll Says:

    My mood has been so improved over the past couple of weeks – doing a full daily practice after a long time of reduced practices – that it does kind of scare me. How would I have coped with the stuff life’s throwing at me if I couldn’t practice?

    I love the list idea. I am somewhat addicted to lists though.

  8. fivefootwo Says:

    Hi, I would just like to mention from personal experience that having been under the effects of anesthesia does a number on your body chemistry and it affects your mood long after an operation. You might just have to wait until those gloomy rain clouds clean you up from any residue of what they used to put you out…

  9. fivefootwo Says:

    That’s why we love Ashtanga. For part of the day, the door frame between inside and outside disappears.

  10. Maria Says:

    kevin
    Sorry to read that you are feeling like this.
    Hopefully you’ll be able to get past this soon – being unhappy with your work situation is such a huge issue, and cause of depression/distress for so many.
    So much of our waking hours are spent “at work” and if you’re unhappy there it becomes a major stressor that spills over into every aspect of life. Believe me – I know, first hand. You wake up and find yourself saying “when did this become my life?”
    All I can say is, it will get better. You have to believe it will get better, and while it seems simplistic to say so, remember, your job is for now, its not forever. Believe there will be change – either a new career or a new direction or interests outside work.
    For me I just started taking the attitude of ok – this is what I do so that I can make money to to the things I really want to do. My job is not who I am.
    Small comfort I’m sure, but remember we are all here with you, to support you, and to listen.
    M

    • globie Says:

      Hi Maria,

      The current work situation and the future situation in 3 months time when there has to be some kind of resolution are starting to do my head in. My job is definitley not who I am, nor is my practice, but its only practice where I find any joy and that has been the situation for quite a while.
      Thanks for reading my ramblings, there are a lot of good people out there.

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