Hands up, I surrender

I am beginning to surrender, yes I know, some would say about time, but there just seem to be so many things in practice as in life that are out of my control and however much I want to influence their outcome I can’t . But they do say things happen for a reason.

When I came back from Sri Lanka at the beginning of the year my practice seemed to be really moving on, binding Pasasana at AshtangaLanka, standing up from the bolster in backbends, I really thought it was starting to happen. I had worked hard and I suppose to a point I thought I deserved all the little successes. I had the year planned out, Mysore in June, after the company moved, going there with a decent practice.

Then suddenly 20th January, life hit the pause button. There followed the horrible 10 days in Hospital, followed by nearly 4 months of trying to recover my strength and energy. I never thought it would take so long, in the mean time the company move date got put back again and I discovered that the Shala in Mysore wasn’t going to be open for my originally planned dates. Practice  was doing what I could, accepting where it was, trying not to force it along, however frustrating it was.One of my Teachers made the comment that she thought my illness was in part caused by my working so hard at my practice, I had depleted my body of what it needed to fight off what really should have been a routine infection.

Finally the move date was confirmed for July, but Mysore wasn’t open again until October. I decided rather than leave to stick it out, keep doing my practice until I could confirm everything. Practice seemed to be happening again, then the Garbha incident, oh shit my knee is still all this time later not able to do Mari D on the first side, I havn’t tried Garbha since. Instead of striving once again I had to just surrender to what my body could do, not what I wanted it to do.

Since the lurgy of 2 weeks ago my body is still recovering, since January any cough or IBS or anything else seems to have taken far longer to heal than in the past, practice over the last couple of weeks has been sporadic, a few times Surya Namaskar has been it, at the Shala I have done it all, put paid for it in the days after.

I suppose this proves I’m learning, finding awareness, finding acceptance, holding my hands up to practice and to life, giving up on being able to influence outcomes.

At least this Friday it didn’t take 2 hours to get home. I have struggled with my backbends lately, mainly because I’m so tired when I get to them, so tonight I decided to get off the Ashtanga wheel and play for an hour. This turned into 2 hours of standing with added Eileen vinyasa poses for fun and some forbidden second  series to open my back up, then the full range of UD against the wall, on the mat, walking in, rocking etc, nice to be able to do backbends without feeling like I was going to collapse.

 I won’t say I don’t care about standing up, but it’s got to the point that I don’t think it will ever happen,maybe next lifetime as Kino is want to say. I do all the things to try and make it happen, even though I know it won’t. But was it precisely because  I wasn’t striving or pushing that I managed to drop back on to my bolster on top of just one block, rock a couple of times and stand up, does giving up make the seemingly impossible, possible?

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8 Responses to “Hands up, I surrender”

  1. Maria Says:

    kev. U need to go easy on youself. Let things flow for a while… Re ur knee – have u seen the David Keil stuff on you tube? Preps for lotus; and working w knee injury. Excellent, and well explained and detailed. U should check it out when u get time. In the meantime enjoy ur weekend, chill & enjoy. Mysore is coming 🙂

    • Globie Says:

      Hi Maria,
      There is a link on my previous entry to David’s YouTube video. I did his yoga anatomy workshop a few years ago, he explains stuff in terms lay people can get their head round.

      It’s hard to take it easy, feels like I’m in training for Kino, then Sharath then Mysore itself.

  2. D Says:

    It sounds like the practice is teaching you the difficult lesson of non-attachment 😉 Mel’s recap from Peter Sanson’s workshop comes to mind here, especially this bit:

    “This was the basis of Peter’s main message: 90% of westerners do too much…..He talked a lot about finding the appropriate level or amount to do in your practice on any given day – rather than just showing up on your mat and doing the same thing every day, to learn over time to read your energy (which will be affected by the moon, your personal circumstances and health, and many other factors) and to develop a healthy relationship with the practice in this way. He talked about how he finds the practice gives him energy when he approaches it in this way (“every day I surprise myself on the mat; first I do surya namaskar A and then see how I feel, and then maybe I do B… “) and he can then do his work, look after his family, because he has been energised through his practice rather than exhausted by it – it should complement our everyday life, not compromise it.”

    http://lifeonandoffthemat.blogspot.com/2011/06/peter-sanson-in-dublin-part-2-time-to.html

    I keep these words in mind when I feel less than 100% on some days and I’m slowly discovering the therapeutic aspects of the practice. It’s hard of course because we’re so conditioned to achievement and progress, but it’s a much more sustainable approach 🙂

    • Globie Says:

      Hi D,

      With the extra commuting time I have now, when I do have enough time to do a full practice I try to do it,even if I don’t perhaps feel up to it. There are definitely days when less is more should be the approach. It’s a mental game too, when I set myself a lower target, eg “just to Navasana today”, I am not as focussed, but when I know I’m going to do it all I am far more focussed and “on it”.

      Some days I start off and then realise it’s just not going to happen, like the other day when I stopped after the Surya’s, so at least no damage was done.

      Mel makes great Muffins as well as writing some good posts, she should do both more often:-)

  3. Arturo Veve Says:

    dear Kev
    “i surrender” – there is a song for that. my practice is nothing like what it used to be. it happens.
    cheers,
    Arturo

  4. Ursula Says:

    This is so. I feel the same. Everything is out of control, not only the outcome.

    When my practice seems to become difficult, I only think of the next breath. Nothing more. This improves every practice.

    Me too, I’m not sure if I’ll come up from ud. I do the exercises, sometimes also not. Then more is not possible I think. It will happen or not, I’ll be surprised. More important than anything is not to lose the joy of practicing.

    Have a great weekend and feel mercy with yourself…:). Ursula

    • Globie Says:

      Hi Ursula,
      When I have an injury or do not feel so good I seem to pay more attention, practice is less “automatic”.

      Some days it feels like standing up could happen from UD, when I practice at home and do all the second series backbends before UD and dropbacks everything is much stronger and better.

      Practice is a joy, enjoy your weekend too.

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