It’s all over

Its been the day to say goodbye to Mum, a sense of loss, but no sense of closure, though now being left to care for Dad alone it’s the sense that my life is over, my life’s not been worth living for over a year anyway, so no change, no feeling of moving on, just being stuck where I’ve been stuck for so long with no chance of change or reason to wake in the morning. Now stuck alone with Dad’s dementia,no chance of a break until one of us dies, I don’t care which one of us ,no escape,no peace no life until life itself becomes extinct.

2018 What a crap year

This year, 2018, began on a high of being in Byron Bay for a couple of weeks in February, practicing in one of my favorite Shala’s on the planet, seeing friends , being warm and paddling in the sea.

I landed back in the U.K. at the end of February to the start of a nightmare year and since then life and my wish to even live at times to the point of going to bed hoping not to wake up and giving serious thought to jumping in front of the train on a Sunday rather than get on it. This still seems a more than viable option, well it would if London NorthWestern Railways weren’t so fucking abysmal.

I returned from Downunder to my mother having fallen and broken her Pelvis in 4 places, screaming the house down in pain, screaming at my Dad for not doing what he was told, a feeling of total inadequacy until finally they re admitted Mum to hospital, where she spent the following 5 months.

Then in March to be diagnosed with a cataract at 53 and suddenly needing surgery again, I’ve spent far too much time in hospitals since the Sepsis and MRSA episode in 2011. Two days before the surgery I came home to find my Father sprawled across the Living room floor having broken his Femur, so instead of resting before my operation I was in A&E until 3am with him. He spent the next 4 months in hospital.

In July they both came home, but not before I’d had to “sell” or give away the complete contents of my Dining room, so a hospital bed could be installed. Then the stress really began, trying to look after their needs, work, my health which has no doubt deteriorated massively from the stress. I’ve lost weight, have dizzy spells in supermarkets after Yoga, have weeks of feeling shattered and I know I look like shit at times.

Though August did have the mini high of standing up from a backdrop for the first time in a couple of years, it hasn’t lasted.

And here we are in December, it’s now me screaming at Dad, his dementia and the stress of having to watch every little thing he does has sent me over the edge as he flooded the kitchen yet again. Worrying every day when I come home from work about whether he or the house will still be standing.

And where’s Mum in all this?, well she is in hospital with multiple organ failure waiting to be transferred to a local Hospice for her final few days.

For a year that started so well in sunny Australia it’s been nothing but shit and stress ever since, with a bit of luck I won’t wake up tomorrow.